Let’s Dispense with the Games, I’m Desperate for You to Read My Book.
Recently at a dinner, Justin attempted to convince a woman to buy his book.
Here is how it went.
“Hello there, my name is Justin Ordoñez and I’m passionate about life. I think knowing your life’s passion is important to feeling positive about the future. I’m positive about the future, and should you decide to read Sykosa, I want you to be positive about it, too. I’m new to the area—this publishing thing—so I’m looking for someone who will not only give Sykosa a shot, but also be chill with who she is. I’m a confident, self-assured person who always appreciates the good reviews, but never stresses over the bad ones, so don’t feel pressure to…”
Wait, maybe I shouldn’t have said “bad reviews.” It puts the thought in her head, doesn’t it? Let’s try this again. Or should I mention I like to travel? No, that’s ridiculous—everyone likes to travel, it’s all anyone ever says!
I can recover. Be confident about your writing!
“What I meant to say was I’ve had nothing but good reviews, everyone loves my writing, they’re hypnotized by it and they can’t believe how brilliant it is!”
Yikes, I sounded cocky there, didn’t I? That’s what she needs, isn’t it? Another cocky doofus who thinks he knows everything and tries to make it with her at the end of the night, even though she’s obviously kept waiting for the “save me” text from her friend, but can’t get it because the cell phone reception is so bad here. Well, I don’t want to be that guy who does that. I’m not that guy. Alright, I can fix this—the key is self-deprecating humor and admitting something embarrassing.
Okay, here I go.
“Recently, I turned thirty, and I discovered I was losing my long hair, but I decided to be proactive and get on the Rogaine—which makes me think, every morning and evening I put it on, of Ed Helms from The Hangover saying, “uuuuu-sing of the Roeeee-gaine, check!”—and it’s totally worked, my hair isn’t falling out anymore, some is growing back and…”
Geez, TMI there, right? I’m so bad at this, we’ve only been at dinner for five minutes and I’ve drank three glasses of water. I already have to go to the bathroom. I’ll have to go several times at this rate. She might conclude I have an enlarged prostate or something. She might assume my virility isn’t strong, that I’m unfit for mating—not that I’m thinking about mating! I mean, not to say I wouldn’t want to mate with her, of course I want to, she’s so beautiful! I just mean I wouldn’t make such an assumption. She’s an independent person and I know we’re going to have a spent a lot of time getting to know each other before we even reach that point. Besides, I’m only trying to sell her my book. That’s all. Okay, I can save this. I just need to subtly suggest how potent I am, and then show her how much I’m wanted, so to create an infuriating jealousy in her.
That’ll win her back.
“One thing you should know is I’m a popular dude, and I’m at a point where I can’t be held down. I gots tons of honeys running me down to read Sykosa. This isn’t ego spitting. It’s honesty. Don’t hate the player, hate the game! I gotta play the field. It’s me being honest with you, me showing you respect, when I say—yes—I want you to read Sykosa, but I also want all your friends, your enemies, your coworkers, your church friends, your Zumba classmates, your ex-lovers, your local bar friends, and your entire Facebook friend list to read Sykosa. I even want your mother to read Sykosa. That’s right. I want your mother and you to read it together. Yeah, your Moms and you—reading Sykosa and talking about it and doing it again and again! And I want you to pay me for it. I want you to go to whatever book merchant you prefer, then pay me for Sykosa.”
Oh, God! I sound like a pervert! And a prostitute! Oh, this is bad. This is so very, very bad, but not like sexy bad, I mean legitimately bad. This isn’t what I’m usually like. Okay, the key here is to be myself, that’s the key.
It’s okay, I can fix this.
“My name is Justin Ordoñez. I recently released a book called Sykosa (that's "sy"-as-in-"my" ko-sa). It’s a story about a sixteen year old girl trying to reclaim her identity after an act of violence shatters her life and the lives of her friends. It’s been described as ‘gritty, intense and definitely not a book I'll forget’ and ‘This book really snuck up on me. I would find myself thinking about it when I was driving or doing other things.’ Basically, Sykosa and her friends attend a weekend-long, unchaperoned party at Niko's posh vacation cottage, where Sykosa will confront Niko and her friends over what happened last year. She will also have to deal with her new boyfriend, Tom, and decide if this is the weekend she wants to lose her virginity to him.”
Whew, that’s it. I finished strong.
I think I might have a shot at getting a reader.
What do you think?
Hey! Justin Ordoñez wrote a book called Sykosa. It’s about a sixteen year old girl who’s trying to reclaim her identity after an act of violence destroys her life and the lives of her friends. You can find out more about Justin at his blog, http://sykosa.wordpress.com. You can also find Sykosa, the novel on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007N709IG/